Changing Families
and Family Court Issues
What about high-conflict divorces?
Unfortunately, anyone dealing in domestic law is all too familiar with the high-conflict divorce. When emotions are
at an all-time high, individuals within a warring couple find themselves in the adversarial arena of court. At this stressful
time, it is extremely difficult to make decisions that are in the best interest of all members of the family. Attorneys then
become the arbiters in this highly charged emotional situation. At this point, it is in everyone’s (including the attorney’s)
best interest to get outside help.
It is for this reason that Changing Families started classes for single and divorcing parents. The goal for these classes is to help focus them on dealing with the anger, hurt and frustrating emotions in order to be able to let go of the past and to move forward to a “new normal.” In Charleston County (South Carolina), all cases involving custody or visitation litigation require the completion of a course to educate parents on the effects of divorce on the children. The Changing Families 6-hour class fulfills that requirement.
It becomes important for all those dealing with high-conflict divorces to help clients separate the emotional and legal issues. In order to do that, it is imperative to have an array of helping professionals in the mental health field for referrals in addition to educational experiences like Changing Families. When the individuals are encouraged to deal with their emotions in an appropriate way, better decisions can be made in the legal arena when your clients come back to you.
What about the children in high-conflict divorces?
We have found that there are couples who even long after their divorce is finalized, are still embroiled in court proceedings. This continual conflict then threatens the new life and family identity. The children are often caught in the middle of this “Divorce Battlefield.” We at Changing Families attempt to help parents recognize this and give them the tools to remove their children from this battlefield when the bullets—legal and emotional—get too low to the ground. By doing this, we can help the kids to be kids so the parents can parent.
All too often, parents become so ensnared and enraged by the events leading up to their divorce, they are unable to focus on the needs of the children. Through participating in Changing Families classes and seeking the help of mental health practitioners as needed, parents can learn to understand the needs of the children during this difficult time.
While looking for the effects on children, it is necessary to look for two different reactions: acting out and acting in. The acting out child is the one who appears angry, surly and genuinely uncooperative. A child like this is often labeled as and misdiagnosed as ADHD, or worse. The acting in child becomes sullen and withdrawn and might even regress developmentally. In either event, schoolwork and family life can suffer. Unfortunately, in high-conflict divorces, the parents are often so involved in the continuing upset that they fail to spot the subtle signs of trouble and wake up to a child who is in trouble with the law and/or is failing at school.
When parents are focused on past wrongs, they are unable to build a strong family that can withstand the onslaught of continued legal maneuverings. The children suffer while the adults are more likely to engage in repeated court battles that further traumatize the children and weaken family ties. We at Changing Families often encounter these kids later on in Juvenile Drug Court.
What about Mediation?
Whenever possible, whether it is required by your local jurisdiction or not, it is desirable to encourage clients to participate in mediation. The injunction to “Mediate rather than Litigate” is especially appropriate when dealing with families of school-age children. When clients come to Changing Families classes who have reached a fair settlement, they are in a much more positive frame of mind that translates into a better outcome for the children. “As the parents go, so go the children.” Attendance at a Changing Families class has proven to be a valuable step in preparing for mediation.
Although it might seem at first glance that mediating agreements rather than litigating them will result in a loss of income, it has been our observation that when parents who genuinely care about their children can come to a reasonable, equitable resolution without repeated court battles, this results not only in a good outcome for parents and children, but increased good will among clients with an increased generation of future referrals.
How can I get more information to help my clients in a high-conflict divorce?
Changing Families offers classes for single, divorcing and stepparents involved in child custody litigation in the Charleston, South Carolina area. If there is enough demand, the staff can travel to conduct classes. The staff is also available for consultation with attorneys, judges and Guardians ad Litem concerning children in high-conflict divorces. Please call, e-mail, write, or fax us—we look forward to helping you, your clients, and their families.
For further reading:
- The Visitation Handbook. Your Complete Guide to Parenting Apart. By Brette McWhorter Sember, Attorney at Law. Sphinx Publishing.
- Transparenting. Moving Families Through Change. By Families First, Atlanta, GA.
